Affection is NOT Conditional

Affection is NOT Conditional

“I’m not going to give you a hug until you put your jacket on” - this is a phrase I recall saying early in my teaching career, and also to my own daughter when she was younger. Using this phrase or other phrases where affection is withheld is telling the child that they aren’t worthy of affection until they complete a task. 

While I know that this was not my intention, I also acknowledge that our intentions are often different for the person they impact. Affection should never be conditional- this means that a child should not have to “earn” affection. 

I know at times it feels like a child is manipulating a situation when they run over to hug us every time it is time to clean up, but young children do not have the same cognitive abilities that adults use to be manipulative. The child is simply following a previous pattern of behavior in seeking the affection of their trusted adult. 

When a situation like the one described above occurs, we can adjust our previous reaction. Instead of making the hug a condition of cleaning up, we can give a big hug and then walk the child over to a space that needs a special clean-up crew. You can scaffold the cleaning task so the child doesn’t feel overwhelmed, but instead feels proud of themselves.

 

The more we pause in moments that feel difficult with a child, the more we grow in our ability to see the entire picture. When we take a broader perspective, we are better equipped to support the child while also maintaining our own well-being. When in doubt, be the trusted adult that you needed when you were a young child.