SITTING WITH OUR FEELINGS
In August 2021, my husband and I made the long 14-hour drive home after dropping our daughter off at college. As my husband was driving, I was thinking about all the comments we have received from others about our daughter heading off to college so far from home. Although many were meant to be well-meaning, they were hurtful. People feel the need to tell others how they should feel and how long they should have those feelings.
There is this odd resilience narrative that has taken over our world. Instead of understanding that humans need to sit with their feelings before moving forward, the expectation is that resilient people learn to move on quickly. This is somehow seen as a strength while having all the emotions is a weakness.
I am horrible at sitting with my feelings. I am, however, an expert on pushing them down and pushing forward. I’ve been this way my entire life. For 46 years, I’ve heard how “strong I am” even when I was suffering inside. It wasn’t until recently that my parents (who are lovely) realized that they should not have reinforced this notion of me being strong and resilient throughout my childhood.
This is the world that we are exposing all of our children to. They hear adults telling them, “you’re okay,” “it’s not a big deal,” “be a big kid,” etc. We then wonder why our teenagers and young adults seem frustrated and angry. They never have a chance to experience their feelings fully.
The next time you want to rush yourself through your feelings, stop and sit with them. The next time someone is sharing their grief, upset, or struggle, you should listen more and talk less. Let them share their feelings while you sit with them together. The next time a child is crying, angry, frustrated, excited, or happy, let them experience their emotions. Don’t talk at them; listen to them. Be the safe space they need to explore their feelings.
Let’s move the focus from resilience to emotional well-being.
